Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014 [Movie Review]

There are certain early warning signs with anything. Classic children's cartoon (comic, whatever) and Micheal Bay almost always turn out to be a surefire way to ruin those precious childhood memories of mine.
This was the fear that gripped me as I entered the theater.

Leonardo. A hero in a mask and half-shell.

The fear became worse as I watched crappy preview after crappy preview, until at last and finally there was one good preview. One shining gem amongst the fetid piles of stinking crap. That was of course the preview for Interstellar.

2 out of 5 stars

I know previews do not have a bearing on the movie, save for the fact that they are often linked thematically or corporation-wise to the picture being shown. Children's movie after children's movie, each more depressingly awful than the one before. No comic book film previews, no science fiction... not until Interstellar. That worried me.

Megan Fox attempting to be April O'Neil.

I tried to sit back and ride the movie out.
I really tried to.
However every time I began to settle in, it did something unforgivable that knocked me out of my 'suspension of dis-belief.' That is the most terrible thing you can do to a movie goer.

The Slicer, the grater, the spiky-man...? No. The Shredder.

It was either a unbelievably stupid line, a complete and total break down of any pretense to follow physics, a misplaced throwback line, or something else that just floored me.

The TMNTs were the biggest and most buff I've ever seen them. They looked like steroid-using, iron-pumping, protein shake-eating, mask-wearing humanoid turtles.

Now, I will give you. They reminded me of teenagers. They were all the bad things about teenagers; hyperactive, noisy, moody, hormone driven. I actually wanted to tell them to shut up at least once in the movie. I know this was supposed to be a point of comedy, but I found it more irritating.

I call shenanigans!

Let me keep listing the problems I had. Splinter's origin story was just... meh. It was not half as good as the original one. He didn't even have a Japanese accent... that drove me nuts. The off-handed way they explained the whole Ninjutsu was also... well, it was also meh. Let me be more blunt. They sucked. They were terrible when compared to the original.    

Then there was that greatest of all movie foes, physics.
I know movies are bad at physics. That's just a rule.
This movie was spectacularly bad at physics, biology, science... you name it. Here's a couple of face-palm worthy problems.
- News Van crashes through thick wooden gate that is secured with metal latches and more. Van takes NO damage. Not even a light is broken nor a panel bent. Later the Van crashes through second wooden door set in stone. Again NO damage. However when an angry turtle jumps out of the van, and through the side, the Van appears to have the tensile strength of tissue paper. Super Indestructible Van in the front, Wet Kleenex on the sides. This is just mind-melting bad. 
- Techno Samurai kicks the crap out of turtles going so far as to break one of their shells. Later same turtle is slammed into the side of a Hummer with enough force to bend the vehicle's doors, and possibly the frame (I think the frame is bent the more I look at it). This impact certainly has a much greater force than say being kicked by a robotic samurai.
- Oh, and their shells are made of some magic bullet proof form of chitin. I mean it's not like bullets can't go through bone, metal, or glass... well in the movies they can't but that is just another Hollywood sin in an of itself.

There were others, but those just really bugged me. They bugged me as bad as the fact that the Shredder seemed to have a half dozen techno-sword blades on each arm. For what real reason? So they could become techno-sword boomerangs of course... What was I thinking? Obviously not something that stupid... 

Oh! Before I forget. Is there a massive Alpine like ridge of mountains anywhere within a short drive of New York City? No... I thought not. Yeah, that whole scene just drove me nuts. Learn the geography of a place when you write your movies! It's like the whole problem of the entire southwest being Monument Valley. I've complained about this before, and will certainly do it again. Set your movies in the proper places! In fact the last time this pissed me off was in another movie that Micheal Bay was associated with, yep, Transformers 4. My rant is about half way down...

Yes this is set up for another movie.
I just don't think I care enough, unless of course somehow if features Krang and a bunch of Mousers. I don't even care if they put Casey Jones in it...

I just could not get into this movie.
It was a rough one, but you know what... at least it was not Transcendence. Save your money, keep your childhood memories alive and vibrant. This won't do them any favors. 

Ok, the actors actually look really uncomfortable too.

Update: I've lowered my rating for this movie as over time this has become a rather fresh benchmark for a bad movie. Also added a link to a good movie, Interstellar.