Sharknado 2: The Second One [TV Movie Review]

I hate myself for doing this, but I know that this film will somehow be very popular.
I also will never forgive SyFy for cursing us with these movies. 



So, for the first time in a while, I'm going to do a blow by blow write up.
And boom, right out the gate bad acting. Do stewardesses often have pink hair in bad movies?
Oh yeah, since this is being written as the movie plays, the final rating will be at the bottom. Just a reminder. 

That's it, we are less than five minutes in and I officially hate this movie already.
Thank you, you miserable movie, for ripping off William Shatner's famous scene from Nightmare at 20,000ft, a classic Twilight Zone episode (watch it here). Sharks in a storm. The plane crashes right through them. I know that this is what the movie is about... but it is so unbelievably stupid. Oh! Hey, the shark ate the head of the stewardess with the pink hair.

And someone does not understand physics, well this movie does not understand physics. But we knew that from the first movie. Plane and people appear to move in a completely separate frame of reference when compared to the sharks. The sharks will fly perfectly perpendicular to the trajectory of the plane and kill people.

Oh, movie... I hate you more already. Our last movies hero, Ian something I think, can now fly a passenger jet! Die in a fire already movie. Die. This whole scene had better be a dream... because only a dream can forgive these terrible special effects.

Oh, look the plane is landing in a place with no rain, and no (or one) sharks. Immediately after they were in a storm that was barely 100ft off the surface. Good at least they kept the incomprehensible juxtapositions from the first movie. 

And now there is a Sharknado theme song. My ears bleed.
And a naked (in tighty-whitys actually) singing cowboy in NY.

Look, it's Fin. The man with an ironic name... I hate this movie.

I am hating this movie more and more. I miss the guys from Rifftrax already.

Look new characters. Any bets on who dies? I hope jackass overworking business man with a four year old iPhone.

Hello Ian something... I still can't care about you. Hey. Tara Reid is all passed out on a stretcher with an oxygen mask on. It must be taking all of her powers of concentration to act that good...But wait, it's doctor overacting-dip. "In time she'll make a full recovery!" Yeah, when a shark eats my hand I always grow a new one.

Oh, for the love of all movies ever made, and by the hell that is Manos the Hands of Fate, are we really going to go with killer sharks who are seeking revenge from the last movie? Are we? ARE WE? Answer me movie!

Oh, and the advertisement bumpers... they have twitter comments from people who seem to actually like Tara Reid... I'm at loss for words.

I'm not sure I'm gonna make it to the end. I'll try.

Why is Judd Hirsch in this movie? Why is a good actor being tarnished by this celluloid equivalent of syphilis? I hate you even more movie. I so hate you for even having Judd Hirsch say, "I'm an actor too." no, Judd you might be the only real actor in this film. Well, Vivica Fox... but she's an actress. Why is she in this movie? Why?

So, do sharks always chew like a squirl with massively full cheeks? Or is this movie stupid? Yeah... it's option 2. But wait, it didn't bite her head off in one bite like every other shark so far. It just mauled her to death before being zapped with a stun gun.

Oh, burn in a studio fire movie! Now there are alligators eating sewer workers in NY. Alligators which are then attacked by sharks. I swear the script was written by a four year old. The fact that this movie was made actually makes me lose both faith and respect in humanity. The fact that I'm watching this makes me hate myself a bit. I just have to view this an endurance marathon. I have to endure a few hours of stupid stupid movie so I can write this review.

Two inches an hour of sharks. Stupid movie.

I'm not going to comment on the Statue of Liberty's head... no. Just no.
No.

I will say that it is embarrassing, at least to me, for Al Roker to actually be using the word Sharknado. He is a meteorologist (or at least a real weather reporter who was once in the American Meteorological Society)... but to sink this low, Al, you sadden me.

Tara Reid must be on an insane amount of painkillers to wander around with a recently (like less than 4 hours) eaten hand. That or she can't act. It's probably the later option. As an aside, is she going insane or did the weather lady actually just say that sharks are gonna come down at a rate of "two inches an hour"? How do sharks come down a "Two inches an hour?" I'm sorry, Einstein is correct. That --> Einstein.

And the movie just killed Judd Hirsch.
And played Frogger on sharks.
And then said "jumped the shark."

I hate this movie. I know I've said that, over and over... but it is true.
This movie has one goal - kill everyone not in Fin's family. I mean this makes every other movie and TV show, book, or comic strip... anything... look subtly nuanced. I know Vivica will die by the end. It is inevitable. Fin has to always stay with his Ex. He'll probably marry her in the end. Cause that always happens...

Please. Al Roker just stop... I am embarrassed for you. 

"Are you just making this up as you go along?" Was this line inserted after the producer asked the director this very question? I mean, the movie would make sense then...
Flaming sharks. Flaming fracking sharks. I mean I know credibility was never on this movies wish list... but, a little dignity should have been. It has none. I mean storm force winds to do appear to blow rain sideways at all... at all. Rain comes straight down, wind blows harshly sideways. Unless we are looking at the tornados from weather guys, then there is no rain.

Why would anyone only care about Tara Reid, and not Vivica Fox? Or anyone else... like his sister or best friend he spent the movie rescuing? See, this is how you make people lose their suspension of disbelief.

I like sharks more than I like this movie. They have never hurt me personally. This movie, this movie has hurt a lot of people including me. I actually am rooting for the sharks now that he gratuitously killed a flying shark. Tara Reid is now ripping off Ash from Army of Darkness... is there nothing original in this movie beyond improbable levels of stupidity? And then the movie blew up Vivica Fox. Did you have a

Ah, the movies end. A nice sunny day in NY while people smack falling sharks with all manner of death and dismemberment that they had in their cars. They have better accuracy than the Mets' players from the start of the movie. 

Wow. The shark ate Tara Reid's hand at the beginning of the movie, but at the end it disgorged her entire forearm and hand. I never knew that sharks stomachs were actually places where cellular regeneration happened at an extremely rapid pace! Where was the continuity checker? Did they even have one?
Oh, wait it is a Sharknado movie... no, no they did not.

And there it is. The last shred of credibility and dignity gone. Fin asked Tara Reid to marry him.
I so hate you movie. You were bad and you were predictable.

Oh, and the movie ended with an advertisement for Sharktopus vs Pteracuda.
I weep for humanity.

1.5 out of 5 stars

This was a movie made of disappointment, pure undiluted disappointment. There was no happiness in the movie. There was no redemption for this film. In the end it is deserving of only our scorn and our pity, and some hatred. However it did have Judd Hirsch in the movie, and that was good. But it killed him off and had him say stupid lines, and that was bad. I think the plot of Ghost House was more cogent...

This needs the Rifftrax Treatment. It deserves to be riffed. 

And I'm out.