Curse of the Golden Flower [Dusty Shelf - Movie Review]

Well this is a first. This is the first Dusty Shelf review of a Movie. Normally I serve these for anime, but this movie is special. The real question is what kind of special is it?

I'm so bad-ass that my bad-ass-itude will never
be seen after this scene.

I'm going to quote Cinema Sins (although they were talking about Prometheus), "This is the most gorgeous movie I've ever wanted to punch in the face." That sums up my feelings pretty strongly on this movie.

2 out of 5 stars

This movie had star power. It starred Chow Yun Fat and Gong Li. That should have been awesome. This movie was directed by Zhang Yimou who directed such films as Hero and House of Flying Dagger (the former I've seen and enjoyed, the latter I've yet to see).

Hey! Her face is up there!

This movie is gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous. The sets are lavish and detailed (sometimes overly), the costumes are finely detailed and flattering, the choreography is stunning... there is unmistakable grandeur and magnificence in every scene.

The problem is that all of that effort was spent to make the movie beautiful when some effort should have been spared to make the movie make sense. There are gasps at a plot which at times seems like some sort of bizarre combination of Oedipus Rex, Hamlet, and a bad situation comedy. Yes, all those references are sort of reaching, but that is the feel one gets from this movie. 

Again, what are you looking at?

WARNING - SPOILERS AHEAD

I too am cursed by all of those yellow flowers...

The plot revolves around the Empress trying to dethrone the Emperor because the Emperor is poisoning her... for some reason that is really never covered. Maybe he enjoys making her insane, which of course could have then led to her wanting to dethrone him. But of course, just dethrone, not out and out kill. Involved in this are the three Imperial brothers. The son who is a general, the son who is to succeed his father, and the son that is more or less ignored. At lest one brother, the successor, is only a half brother... It is a bit annoying to follow.   

Now the successor has been sleeping with his step mother (see, tinges of Oedipus), and he also has no desire to actually inherit the throne. Oh, he has also been sleeping with the daughter of the Imperial Physician. This is important... maybe.

Now, the queen is being poisoned slowly with a drug (black fungus, or something) that is being boiled into her medicine... for something. She supposedly had one illness, but now she is being made ill. The black fungus gives her mini seizures and is supposed to make her crazy. So, since she seems to hate the taste of the medicine she plots to dethrone her husband, the Emperor. Yes, at the time she first seems to begin her plan, she does not really know that she is being poisoned. She may suspect, but not know. That happens later when she meets a, for lack of a better word, kunoichi (female ninja).  

This female ninja is the wife of the Emperial Physcian, and the previous wife of the Emperor...
Confused yet? You should be. Now remember what I said earlier about the step-son who is sleeping with the Imperial Physician's daughter? Yeah... well, that drives the physician's daughter insane and she commits suicide by flying ninja. Meanwhile the son who is a general leads an army of 10,000 against his father. Somehow his father hid an even larger army in the empty palace. It made no sense! So there is lots of battle between an army of silver and an army of gold.

Oh yeah, and the brother that was ignored. He stabs the brother who is the successor, killing him. Then the Emperor beats him to death with a golden belt. In the end, the son who is a general kills himself instead of forcing his mother to drink poisoned medicine. So in the end, everyone is dead, the Emperor is still the Emperor and the Empress is still being poisoned. Nothing at all actually happened that mattered!   

SPOILERS OVER

This movie was just plain bad. Pure insanity, wrapped in the prettiest foil wrapper ever. People yell at George Lucas for selling out and just using pretty graphics, but you know what. Star Wars Episode II had a more lucid plot. Even Episode I might actually have a more coherent plot. Think on that.

I wrote this because I had to get that off my chest.

This movie was pointless and mostly plotless.
Beautiful but Empty.
 

Oh, and who could ever forget the flying ninjas of China.